Sunday, April 14, 2013

And then there were two...

I know I haven't posted in a while but like Coelho says "Life has many ways of testing a person's will by either having nothing happen at all, or by having everything happen at once". The latter happened to me.

For 12 years things were just not happening on my part. I didn't even realize that what was happening to us was abuse. Most women who are abused feel that way so it wasn't odd. Everyone else around me saw it, just not me, partly because I was an abused child. After the age of 12 when my mom kicked my dad out (my mom has mental issues), the abuse from my mom began. So when I heard the same things my mom told me from Dick, I never once questioned them. I took them as true. I was to blame for everything. I was a failure. If only I tried harder to ____ (fill in the blank) he would love me. He loves me, he says so...

I think the decision to divorce him came when my dad was dying, in July 2011. I told him calmly, while the boys were playing in the pool in the hotel we spent a week every year, that I want a divorce.
Of course the threats started right there.
"You will leave this marriage only on a stretcher, dead" and "You might take half my salary but I will make it my life's quest to make your life a living Hell!!"

My father died in August. I felt his heart stop under my palm. I shattered. For the first time in my life I was truly and utterly broken, the pieces of everything I knew, everything I once was, strewn around me, sharp and glistening. I wanted to put myself back together but it was impossible. I had no time to breathe, I had no time to comprehend what had happened.
I had to deal with two broken hearted little boys, telling them things I didn't believe myself, whilst trying hard to keep a straight, jovial face. "Grandpa is in Heaven and Heaven is so amazing!! He is so, so happy there and watches over us". You must not cry, you must not cry, you must not cry, played in my head like a mantra.

Then there was the cooking and the cleaning and of course work. I had to pay for the funeral and the headstone and everything. During all this time, Dick, demanded... Demanded his dinner, demanded the bills paid, the fridge full, the boys not to show emotion and accused me  when they cried, asking for their grandfather.
He was 20 minutes late for the funeral and appeared wearing jeans and tennis shoes. His mother and father, made an appearance then fled, never asking me if I needed any help.
I wanted to be taken away. My father lived on the floor below. I had to witness his stuff taken away. I had to walk out of the building and be faced with his car being parked there.
The papers announcing his death were all over. I couldn't escape... and I had to somehow, keep functioning.

My resolve wavered during this time. For some time, I wanted to be dead right along with him. It was too much. During this time, I often described myself as a door that is hanging on by only one hinge. My inner child was now orphaned for real. I had no one above me to turn to. If I needed help there was no one to help. There was no one older, wiser than me. Well, technically, Dick IS older than me, but as my psychologist says, he is not really an adult. He is a child, relying on me for everything.

Feeling like that, I needed an escape. I was never an MMO player, unlike my brothers and father. But when he died I found myself being sucked in this world. I found that I could forget myself as long as I played and play I did. My mind was going completely blank in a way I had not experienced before. As long as I played, nothing hurt...

What was better was, I met people. Dick did not allow me out much, I had to beg literally in order for him to keep the boys so I could have a quick coffee with a friend. But playing online I could meet people and never leave my apartment!! Plus I could play when he slept. It probably sounds silly, but this online game became my escape!
Ironically, at first, I tried to get him to play too, but he refused. He did tell me not to give my real details to anyone though, so I thought up a birth date and used my full name instead of what I am normally called.

In June of 2012, I met someone in that game, you know him as William.I don't know what was it that drew me to him. Maybe it was the dead voice. He never laughed, his voice was always flat. Was it instinct? I don't know.
All I know is that I was inexorably and irreversibly drawn to this man. For the first time in over 14 years I was drawn to someone else...

** To be Continued **

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