Sunday, April 14, 2013

Then there were two (part two)...

The whole thing with William started innocently enough. I never, in a million years, thought that something would come out of it. After all, I was married with no real intention of starting an "on the side" relationship. I was never the type. I was always a "one man woman" if you'd like.
But something about William, something about the fact what this wasn't really me made me take that first step towards him.
The real Melinda was still at home, still married to Dick while my virtual self was free to do as she wanted. So in some, probably messed up way my psychologist will later try to unravel, me, Melinda wasn't really doing anything wrong. I never thought that I did have the right not to be happy. I never thought I had the right to tell him, "it's over". Even my big talk about divorce the year before was not backed by anything but my anger and disappointment. I had not seen a lawyer and in reality it was more a cry for help than a real threat. And like always when I asked for help, Dick shot me down and silenced me his way.
I never spoke of divorce again, at least not to him.
In my fantasy life, I was getting divorced, I was valued, I was strong and I was, free.
Even then, I never hid the fact I was married or that I had kids. In reality, I truly and honestly believed that there would never be a man who would want to raise someone else's kids. Dick never helped anyone and for some reason, all my past (healthy) relationships were wiped out of memory when I married him. I've always thought I would stay with him until my sons were 18, then leave him. He wouldn't be able to keep me then, I would have fulfilled my obligation.
However, I secretly believed I would be dead long before we got to that point... He would surely, eventually kill me, right?

I woke up one day and realized I was in love with William. I don't know how or why, I draw a blank. He was there a step ahead of me though. Maybe he foresaw things I couldn't but he very quietly found a way into my heart long before I realized it.
As you can understand it was a great shock when one day I told him "But you are single" and he replied with "No, I have been married for 13 years".
My heart missed a beat or two. Oh!... Ok... Oh!
Dreams I had no idea I had, shattered. Expectations I had not allowed to grow (but still did somehow, secretly), wilted and died within me.
He is married... he is not yours, he can never BE yours. You fool!! YOU FOOL!!!
I wanted to be angry at him but I couldn't. I was angry at myself. Why had I allowed this to go on?
I tried to dismiss the whole thing as "just a stupid little flirt" that wouldn't be going anywhere, realistically. Inwardly I was blind sighted and like all blind people, I didn't see where I was going.
Richard was there to catch me and for the next couple of months, catch me he did. A part of me was screaming for William, but the other part of me, found comfort in flirting with Richard. I did not really want Richard, but every time a tender thought about William popped up, that part reminded me that William was having fun with me online, then turned off his computer and went to bed with his wife. Blinded mad, I threw myself at Richard. Poor kid. My age, unmarried, with no real experience with women, living with his mom, he was head over heels...and I relished, bather in attention, starved, hurt and selfish. I did not think...

I broke William's heart. He tells me so even to this day. "You hurt me, so, so much" he told me the other day and the look in his eyes twisted a knife inside my heart. "Don't ever leave me again" he begged and I swallowed hard as to not cry.
The thought that William was utterly unhappy in his marriage never entered my thought process. Maybe because I thought I was the only person in the world that was unhappy in her marriage. I mean, everyone else around me was happily married, right? William must have been too.
But he hasn't. She didn't love him, he didn't love her, it was over but neither one of them wanted to call it. We were each other's catalyst, the push we each needed, the hope for happiness...

We met... we fell more in love. Shortly after I found a psychologist that spurred me on.
Ten days ago I filled for divorce. I found an apartment.
Three days ago he got his final divorce, two days ago he moved countries to be with me.

All happened at once... I waited 12 yeas for this... and it is happening, all in one month, right now. It is scary, terrifying, yet exhilarating at the same time. I want to be free... I want out... I want to breathe once again.

I still don't know if I will be with William forever, but I want to. If my life has taught me anything so far, it is that there is no plan. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think this would be my life.
I never thought I wouldn't be able to have children the traditional way.
I never thought I would marry someone who abused me.
I never thought I would have special needs children.
I never thought I would get a second wind, a second chance.
I never thought I could be loved that way, looking like this.

Meeting William was re-shaped me. It has healed me and broken me at the same time. It has changed me yet I am somehow the same, all at once.
"This is my life and it is both happy and sad at the same time... and I want you to know, I am OK with it..."

You must understand that all this has been very, very hard for this black or white girl.
But as my psychologist told me the other day "You have accomplished SO much and you are trying so very, very hard". Part of me can't believe this is happening... part of me says "what the hell took you so long?".
All I know for sure is, I love him... I love him with all my heart and I am forever changed because of him... and for that, I thank him and my lucky stars who sent him my way...


And then there were two...

I know I haven't posted in a while but like Coelho says "Life has many ways of testing a person's will by either having nothing happen at all, or by having everything happen at once". The latter happened to me.

For 12 years things were just not happening on my part. I didn't even realize that what was happening to us was abuse. Most women who are abused feel that way so it wasn't odd. Everyone else around me saw it, just not me, partly because I was an abused child. After the age of 12 when my mom kicked my dad out (my mom has mental issues), the abuse from my mom began. So when I heard the same things my mom told me from Dick, I never once questioned them. I took them as true. I was to blame for everything. I was a failure. If only I tried harder to ____ (fill in the blank) he would love me. He loves me, he says so...

I think the decision to divorce him came when my dad was dying, in July 2011. I told him calmly, while the boys were playing in the pool in the hotel we spent a week every year, that I want a divorce.
Of course the threats started right there.
"You will leave this marriage only on a stretcher, dead" and "You might take half my salary but I will make it my life's quest to make your life a living Hell!!"

My father died in August. I felt his heart stop under my palm. I shattered. For the first time in my life I was truly and utterly broken, the pieces of everything I knew, everything I once was, strewn around me, sharp and glistening. I wanted to put myself back together but it was impossible. I had no time to breathe, I had no time to comprehend what had happened.
I had to deal with two broken hearted little boys, telling them things I didn't believe myself, whilst trying hard to keep a straight, jovial face. "Grandpa is in Heaven and Heaven is so amazing!! He is so, so happy there and watches over us". You must not cry, you must not cry, you must not cry, played in my head like a mantra.

Then there was the cooking and the cleaning and of course work. I had to pay for the funeral and the headstone and everything. During all this time, Dick, demanded... Demanded his dinner, demanded the bills paid, the fridge full, the boys not to show emotion and accused me  when they cried, asking for their grandfather.
He was 20 minutes late for the funeral and appeared wearing jeans and tennis shoes. His mother and father, made an appearance then fled, never asking me if I needed any help.
I wanted to be taken away. My father lived on the floor below. I had to witness his stuff taken away. I had to walk out of the building and be faced with his car being parked there.
The papers announcing his death were all over. I couldn't escape... and I had to somehow, keep functioning.

My resolve wavered during this time. For some time, I wanted to be dead right along with him. It was too much. During this time, I often described myself as a door that is hanging on by only one hinge. My inner child was now orphaned for real. I had no one above me to turn to. If I needed help there was no one to help. There was no one older, wiser than me. Well, technically, Dick IS older than me, but as my psychologist says, he is not really an adult. He is a child, relying on me for everything.

Feeling like that, I needed an escape. I was never an MMO player, unlike my brothers and father. But when he died I found myself being sucked in this world. I found that I could forget myself as long as I played and play I did. My mind was going completely blank in a way I had not experienced before. As long as I played, nothing hurt...

What was better was, I met people. Dick did not allow me out much, I had to beg literally in order for him to keep the boys so I could have a quick coffee with a friend. But playing online I could meet people and never leave my apartment!! Plus I could play when he slept. It probably sounds silly, but this online game became my escape!
Ironically, at first, I tried to get him to play too, but he refused. He did tell me not to give my real details to anyone though, so I thought up a birth date and used my full name instead of what I am normally called.

In June of 2012, I met someone in that game, you know him as William.I don't know what was it that drew me to him. Maybe it was the dead voice. He never laughed, his voice was always flat. Was it instinct? I don't know.
All I know is that I was inexorably and irreversibly drawn to this man. For the first time in over 14 years I was drawn to someone else...

** To be Continued **

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I am jealous..

I am jealous!! In fact, I am green with envy!
Ever since I have started going to the new psychologist, I have been given a clearer view of things.
After a few sessions she told me what I have is not a marriage.
Marriage, she said, is two beasts of burden, tied together on the same yolk, pulling equally to the same direction.
Clearly that has not been happening.

Also, she told me, I was wrong. It is hard to hear you have been wrong especially when you feel wronged. When I describe things to her, she asks me "why did you say anything" or "what did you do?" and the answer is the same... nothing.
I have been conditioned to accept it. But when it spilled over to the kids, I rebelled.
My sons will not be made martyrs in the hands of this man.

I have also been reading a lot of books on divorce and how not to make the same mistakes again.
A great book is "The Verbally Abussive Relationship". Holly Cow, it describes me and my situation to a "t".
Things have gotten worse here. They cut his salary even more to the point he will now bring nothing to our income. All falls on me. He said so too. He said "you are the powercore of this household, everything depends on you."
That, to a woman who is already stretched to capacity, is a death sentence.
He took a week off and he is off doing his thing. No help at all around here.
He plays on the computer or works and just yells at us to leave him alone or be quiet.

To make things worse, I am sick :(
I feel horrible and this morning I had to keep K. home because he was running a fever. I told Dick, I actually had a lot of work to do and maybe I should call the nanny because I was NOT up to taking care of K. and working. He went ballistic. He basically told me, "Tough! Take some medication and shut up!! We cannot afford the nanny, every dollar counts!" and opened the door and left telling me he will be back before 6pm and won't be home for lunch.
When he is sick though, he acts as if he is dying, lies in bed all day, takes time off work and just sleeps.

So I am jealous! I am jealous of all of you ladies! You, who can tell your husband "Honey I am sick" and said husband steps to the plate and takes care of things.

I have so much to blog about; my meeting face to face with William, my psychologist meetings... but I just don't have the energy it seems.
But I will. I need to document this journey because maybe there is someone else like me out there who needs support.

Lord, please give me the strength and the perserverance to do this... that is all I ask.

Monday, January 21, 2013

The meeting

The flight was delayed.. of course it was.He would be getting on a later flight that would arrive at midnight. I wasn't nervous until I got there and then it hit me... I was going to meet him. Now, tonight.. we would spend the next 3 days together and my next thought was ... is this changing my life forever?

I had my jeans on, grey boots, grey top and a grey hoodie. I had been meticulous about my make up but I never wear much anyway; just mascara and some lipstick. I never liked heavy make up and I suppose I  am still young enough to get away with it.

I was waiting in a corner, scared to death. You can still run my brain said several times but my feet stayed rooted to the spot. I looked around at the happy scenes unfolding all aroundme. Airport arrival halls always cheer me up. I myself have many happy memories as I travel quite often and let me tell you, there is nothing like walking out and seeing the faces of your children light up as the recognize you and pick you out from a crowd.

I looked around the young women waiting and I thought to myself, more than once, I wish I looked like her. This is a recent thought as my obesity is a recent occurrence. I was always a slim child, slim teenager and slim young adult. It wasn't until I started the fertility treatments that I started gaining weight. Then the twins were born and they were premature, then they were diagnosed with special needs and my weight just got left on the back burner.
But standing here, waiting for a man other than my husband, for the first time in the 11 years I have been married, I wish I was someone else, someone pretty, someone slim... I so wanted him to like me, the thought I might not like him, never crossed my mind.

He walks out and I immediately know it is him. Of course I do... we have Skyped for months.  I, of course, am always covered up. I eventually got the courage to tell him I am fat, but never sent him a picture of just how fat I am.
He didn't see me... he starts walking with his back to me so I walk behind him and whisper in his ear. He jumps and turns and I hug him, like I promised I would. He is barely taller than me and I am 5' 7". I get nervous and I won't stop talking. I laugh a lot and giggle.
We make it to the car and off we go. I dare not look at him... please don't be disappointed I keep thinking. He is not.. but he is super shy. His hotel room is nice with a nice view so I go out and he comes along. I feel him inching closer to me as I talk about Athens and the view. I still not dare look at him but he is looking at me, apparently fascinated and he is still inching closer until his shoulder is brushing up against mine. I don't know what I am feeling. We have discussed this; no sex while either of us is still married. I will not cheat on Dick and I will not be made the other woman.

What am I feeling? I can now feel he wants to kiss me. I am rusty at this game but it is coming back to me. A part of me cannot believe this man is attracted to me. All these years my self esteem has taken a severe beating from Dick and from society. It is ironic but the bigger I got, the more invisible I got too.
Do I want to kiss him? Why am I so nervous? We stay out for 20 minutes then I ask him to walk me to my car. It is almost 2am and this is not the best area of the city. He is happy to do so and he even puts his arm around my waist as we walk so I do the same. He hugs me when we get to the car and kisses me on the cheek and I just feel he wants a kiss on the lips but it is a public place (even though it is empty) and the walls have eyes when you are doing something naughty so I pretend not to notice. I do let him hug me though. I pull awayand he complains with a smile.

I will pick him up tomorrow morning for breakfast and a walk.
I have no idea what I am doing... the scared part of my brain says I am ok with Dick. Yes, he yells and is mean and says terrible things and calls us names and makes us cry but hey, we deserve it, right? Besides he has his good moments too. Sure he never does anything with us, he is never part of our memories (unless they are about crying or a ruined moment) but why am I complaining? he is probably right, I did do something to cause it.... right/

Then the brave part of my sould chimes in... kick him to the curb it says valliantly, you and boys deserve more... and here I am confused, writing this at 3am.
This is a new day//