Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I am jealous..

I am jealous!! In fact, I am green with envy!
Ever since I have started going to the new psychologist, I have been given a clearer view of things.
After a few sessions she told me what I have is not a marriage.
Marriage, she said, is two beasts of burden, tied together on the same yolk, pulling equally to the same direction.
Clearly that has not been happening.

Also, she told me, I was wrong. It is hard to hear you have been wrong especially when you feel wronged. When I describe things to her, she asks me "why did you say anything" or "what did you do?" and the answer is the same... nothing.
I have been conditioned to accept it. But when it spilled over to the kids, I rebelled.
My sons will not be made martyrs in the hands of this man.

I have also been reading a lot of books on divorce and how not to make the same mistakes again.
A great book is "The Verbally Abussive Relationship". Holly Cow, it describes me and my situation to a "t".
Things have gotten worse here. They cut his salary even more to the point he will now bring nothing to our income. All falls on me. He said so too. He said "you are the powercore of this household, everything depends on you."
That, to a woman who is already stretched to capacity, is a death sentence.
He took a week off and he is off doing his thing. No help at all around here.
He plays on the computer or works and just yells at us to leave him alone or be quiet.

To make things worse, I am sick :(
I feel horrible and this morning I had to keep K. home because he was running a fever. I told Dick, I actually had a lot of work to do and maybe I should call the nanny because I was NOT up to taking care of K. and working. He went ballistic. He basically told me, "Tough! Take some medication and shut up!! We cannot afford the nanny, every dollar counts!" and opened the door and left telling me he will be back before 6pm and won't be home for lunch.
When he is sick though, he acts as if he is dying, lies in bed all day, takes time off work and just sleeps.

So I am jealous! I am jealous of all of you ladies! You, who can tell your husband "Honey I am sick" and said husband steps to the plate and takes care of things.

I have so much to blog about; my meeting face to face with William, my psychologist meetings... but I just don't have the energy it seems.
But I will. I need to document this journey because maybe there is someone else like me out there who needs support.

Lord, please give me the strength and the perserverance to do this... that is all I ask.