Tuesday, December 11, 2012


Why, hello again.
As I have been going around my routine today, a thought popped into my head that from the entire first post, this sentence might have caused a few raised eyebrows: "I am in love with someone else".

Now, if it were me (and I might be unique in this), and I read a blog about a woman trying to divorce her husband, I would wonder about this new man and his role in all of this so let me get this out of the way before I post about anything else.

I met my husband when I was 15. He was about 25 and at the time had zero interest in me. I, on the other hand, fell in love instantly. When I was 19, we started dating. We dated for a few months until one February morning, he disappeared without a trace.
It wasn't until May he finally re-appeared and told me he had been seeing someone else.
Talk about me being in the dark for all these months. The fact I was studying abroad of course didn't help.
Anyway, he told me about the other woman and I gracefully got up, paid for my drink, wished him luck and never looked back.
Until about 18 months later when he had broken up and one day, opened my front door to find him standing there, wanting me back.
Foolishly, and against what my brain was telling me, I started going out with him again.

For 11 years, I have never, ever looked at another man. I never flirted either as my self esteem was now at an all time low because of my "wonderful" husband. The slim young woman I was all my life was gone, replaced by an exhausted mom of two special needs kids and with 100 extra pounds after several years of battling infertility.
Who would want me anyway?

I met William online and to this day we have never met in person. He knows I am married, he knows I have kids. He has been "present" (on Skype) on many occassions when Dick had one of his abusive fits so he knows what my husband is like.
So no, I have not and will not cheat on my husband. I hope that is one worry off your mind.

I tried very hard to resist William. I did not want to fall in love with him. He hit me like a ton of bricks nevertheless. I woke up one day, a couple of months after we've met and realized that I was indeed falling for him. Like me, he is not the fairest of them all, nor perfect, neither is he rich. But he is honest and caring and will not buck under pressure. He is calm and he has been there even if not in person, every time.

I am not divorcing Dick because of William. I must make this abundantly clear. I have been in the process of divorcing him (at least mentally), for over a year and a half. My father's untimely death brought my plans to a halt last year ... and I don't know if you believe in these things or not, but I am convinced it was my father, my only family, my most beloved person in the world after my kids, who hated what I was going through with Dick, that brought William into my life.
He is not the reason and realistically, yes I understand and accept we might not end up together once he sees me, but he is the wind beneath my wings. I needed hope, I needed a wake up call, I needed a shoulder to cry on.

So there you have it. I just needed to be clear when it comes to William and how he affects my decision to get me and my kids out of this.
Even to my ears all this sounds weird. I never, ever thought that after divorcing, I would find a man. How can I trust anyone with my kids? I told William I am a Mama Bear. One wrong move towards my kids and he is toast. He accepts that and all he asks for is the chance to win my trust.
He told me immediately that he is in it for the long run and that he enjoys a challenge. Well, good... because I am challenging :)

Now all I need to do is lose 100 pounds before meeting him :)
Oh boy!

Hi, this is my life...

My name is Melinda. I will be turning 35 next month. I am the mom of two little ones and have been married 11 years.
Sounds pretty boring, right?
Why would you continue reading such a boring blog? But wait! Before you go, read this: I am divorcing. I am overweight but I am wokring towards losing the extra weight, and I am in love with someone else.

My husband, a Navy guy, is very abusive towards be and the kids and I was a doormat, aiming to please and keep the peace at all costs for all these years.
Somewhere along the line, I've lost Melinda. Not only that but I've lost the will to live it seems. It was one crisis after the other and I took it all in stride, poisoning myself in the process. It wasn't fair for me, or the kids but my husband, let's call him Dick (appropriately), insisted that this my life now and it's a good one and I should just shut up and take it as it comes, all the while he went on to live his.

I am writing this blog because I fear this new found strength will leave me. I need, my kids need me to keep going, to get them out of this horrible life.It will be hard. I have no family, I have no support system and I have no money. I am also low on mental and physical reserves.
All my life I have never, ever asked for anything. I am the Giver, I don't ask and I don't take. It seems like my husband milked this to the extreme. He will almost weekly ask me for expensive gadgets, snacks, expensive food but the times he has gotten me something can be counted in the fingers of one's hands.
I am not writing this blog to make a dime. I will never ask for a donation and I will never put up any kind of paid ad. But I will ask for your encouragement, your prayers and well wishes.

This is the blog of a desperate woman, a woman that was once slim, clever and self-confident. An educated woman, a kind woman. I have never ever turned down someone in need of help. Now it is my turn to ask for your help. Please keep reading, help me through this. Help me help my children have a bright future free of his destructive influence.

I am afraid. I am so well conditioned, his comments built on my already low self-esteem, that there is a part of myself that thinks I am wrong. Surely, I am wrong. I must be this horrible person he describes. Surely I deserve this, right? And if only... if only I do as he asks, things will be better, right? If only I do as he asks he will love me, like he says. He will be nice to me if I stay on top of the house work more. He promised me he would be nicer to me if I cooked better, cleaned better, didn't talk back... surely.

I am trying very hard to wage a battle against this part of my self and the rebelious part. The part that says, this is not your life. Your life should be much more than this abuse. Your kids' lives must be much more than this...

I need someone to know. I need you to know what is hidden behind my smile, what goes on behind the closed doors. I want you know that when he says "we" there is never such a thing. It is only me. "We" never took the kids to the playground. "We" never took them to the doctor. "We" never stayed for days in a hospital. He will use the word "we" to show people he is a good father but in reality he is a piece of shit. There, I said it.

 My story will unfold for you. You will get to know me for who I was, how I came to be in this situation and (hopefully) see me get out of it. I need witnesses. I need someone not to let me quit.
Will you help me? Will you follow me?