Sunday, April 14, 2013

Then there were two (part two)...

The whole thing with William started innocently enough. I never, in a million years, thought that something would come out of it. After all, I was married with no real intention of starting an "on the side" relationship. I was never the type. I was always a "one man woman" if you'd like.
But something about William, something about the fact what this wasn't really me made me take that first step towards him.
The real Melinda was still at home, still married to Dick while my virtual self was free to do as she wanted. So in some, probably messed up way my psychologist will later try to unravel, me, Melinda wasn't really doing anything wrong. I never thought that I did have the right not to be happy. I never thought I had the right to tell him, "it's over". Even my big talk about divorce the year before was not backed by anything but my anger and disappointment. I had not seen a lawyer and in reality it was more a cry for help than a real threat. And like always when I asked for help, Dick shot me down and silenced me his way.
I never spoke of divorce again, at least not to him.
In my fantasy life, I was getting divorced, I was valued, I was strong and I was, free.
Even then, I never hid the fact I was married or that I had kids. In reality, I truly and honestly believed that there would never be a man who would want to raise someone else's kids. Dick never helped anyone and for some reason, all my past (healthy) relationships were wiped out of memory when I married him. I've always thought I would stay with him until my sons were 18, then leave him. He wouldn't be able to keep me then, I would have fulfilled my obligation.
However, I secretly believed I would be dead long before we got to that point... He would surely, eventually kill me, right?

I woke up one day and realized I was in love with William. I don't know how or why, I draw a blank. He was there a step ahead of me though. Maybe he foresaw things I couldn't but he very quietly found a way into my heart long before I realized it.
As you can understand it was a great shock when one day I told him "But you are single" and he replied with "No, I have been married for 13 years".
My heart missed a beat or two. Oh!... Ok... Oh!
Dreams I had no idea I had, shattered. Expectations I had not allowed to grow (but still did somehow, secretly), wilted and died within me.
He is married... he is not yours, he can never BE yours. You fool!! YOU FOOL!!!
I wanted to be angry at him but I couldn't. I was angry at myself. Why had I allowed this to go on?
I tried to dismiss the whole thing as "just a stupid little flirt" that wouldn't be going anywhere, realistically. Inwardly I was blind sighted and like all blind people, I didn't see where I was going.
Richard was there to catch me and for the next couple of months, catch me he did. A part of me was screaming for William, but the other part of me, found comfort in flirting with Richard. I did not really want Richard, but every time a tender thought about William popped up, that part reminded me that William was having fun with me online, then turned off his computer and went to bed with his wife. Blinded mad, I threw myself at Richard. Poor kid. My age, unmarried, with no real experience with women, living with his mom, he was head over heels...and I relished, bather in attention, starved, hurt and selfish. I did not think...

I broke William's heart. He tells me so even to this day. "You hurt me, so, so much" he told me the other day and the look in his eyes twisted a knife inside my heart. "Don't ever leave me again" he begged and I swallowed hard as to not cry.
The thought that William was utterly unhappy in his marriage never entered my thought process. Maybe because I thought I was the only person in the world that was unhappy in her marriage. I mean, everyone else around me was happily married, right? William must have been too.
But he hasn't. She didn't love him, he didn't love her, it was over but neither one of them wanted to call it. We were each other's catalyst, the push we each needed, the hope for happiness...

We met... we fell more in love. Shortly after I found a psychologist that spurred me on.
Ten days ago I filled for divorce. I found an apartment.
Three days ago he got his final divorce, two days ago he moved countries to be with me.

All happened at once... I waited 12 yeas for this... and it is happening, all in one month, right now. It is scary, terrifying, yet exhilarating at the same time. I want to be free... I want out... I want to breathe once again.

I still don't know if I will be with William forever, but I want to. If my life has taught me anything so far, it is that there is no plan. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think this would be my life.
I never thought I wouldn't be able to have children the traditional way.
I never thought I would marry someone who abused me.
I never thought I would have special needs children.
I never thought I would get a second wind, a second chance.
I never thought I could be loved that way, looking like this.

Meeting William was re-shaped me. It has healed me and broken me at the same time. It has changed me yet I am somehow the same, all at once.
"This is my life and it is both happy and sad at the same time... and I want you to know, I am OK with it..."

You must understand that all this has been very, very hard for this black or white girl.
But as my psychologist told me the other day "You have accomplished SO much and you are trying so very, very hard". Part of me can't believe this is happening... part of me says "what the hell took you so long?".
All I know for sure is, I love him... I love him with all my heart and I am forever changed because of him... and for that, I thank him and my lucky stars who sent him my way...


And then there were two...

I know I haven't posted in a while but like Coelho says "Life has many ways of testing a person's will by either having nothing happen at all, or by having everything happen at once". The latter happened to me.

For 12 years things were just not happening on my part. I didn't even realize that what was happening to us was abuse. Most women who are abused feel that way so it wasn't odd. Everyone else around me saw it, just not me, partly because I was an abused child. After the age of 12 when my mom kicked my dad out (my mom has mental issues), the abuse from my mom began. So when I heard the same things my mom told me from Dick, I never once questioned them. I took them as true. I was to blame for everything. I was a failure. If only I tried harder to ____ (fill in the blank) he would love me. He loves me, he says so...

I think the decision to divorce him came when my dad was dying, in July 2011. I told him calmly, while the boys were playing in the pool in the hotel we spent a week every year, that I want a divorce.
Of course the threats started right there.
"You will leave this marriage only on a stretcher, dead" and "You might take half my salary but I will make it my life's quest to make your life a living Hell!!"

My father died in August. I felt his heart stop under my palm. I shattered. For the first time in my life I was truly and utterly broken, the pieces of everything I knew, everything I once was, strewn around me, sharp and glistening. I wanted to put myself back together but it was impossible. I had no time to breathe, I had no time to comprehend what had happened.
I had to deal with two broken hearted little boys, telling them things I didn't believe myself, whilst trying hard to keep a straight, jovial face. "Grandpa is in Heaven and Heaven is so amazing!! He is so, so happy there and watches over us". You must not cry, you must not cry, you must not cry, played in my head like a mantra.

Then there was the cooking and the cleaning and of course work. I had to pay for the funeral and the headstone and everything. During all this time, Dick, demanded... Demanded his dinner, demanded the bills paid, the fridge full, the boys not to show emotion and accused me  when they cried, asking for their grandfather.
He was 20 minutes late for the funeral and appeared wearing jeans and tennis shoes. His mother and father, made an appearance then fled, never asking me if I needed any help.
I wanted to be taken away. My father lived on the floor below. I had to witness his stuff taken away. I had to walk out of the building and be faced with his car being parked there.
The papers announcing his death were all over. I couldn't escape... and I had to somehow, keep functioning.

My resolve wavered during this time. For some time, I wanted to be dead right along with him. It was too much. During this time, I often described myself as a door that is hanging on by only one hinge. My inner child was now orphaned for real. I had no one above me to turn to. If I needed help there was no one to help. There was no one older, wiser than me. Well, technically, Dick IS older than me, but as my psychologist says, he is not really an adult. He is a child, relying on me for everything.

Feeling like that, I needed an escape. I was never an MMO player, unlike my brothers and father. But when he died I found myself being sucked in this world. I found that I could forget myself as long as I played and play I did. My mind was going completely blank in a way I had not experienced before. As long as I played, nothing hurt...

What was better was, I met people. Dick did not allow me out much, I had to beg literally in order for him to keep the boys so I could have a quick coffee with a friend. But playing online I could meet people and never leave my apartment!! Plus I could play when he slept. It probably sounds silly, but this online game became my escape!
Ironically, at first, I tried to get him to play too, but he refused. He did tell me not to give my real details to anyone though, so I thought up a birth date and used my full name instead of what I am normally called.

In June of 2012, I met someone in that game, you know him as William.I don't know what was it that drew me to him. Maybe it was the dead voice. He never laughed, his voice was always flat. Was it instinct? I don't know.
All I know is that I was inexorably and irreversibly drawn to this man. For the first time in over 14 years I was drawn to someone else...

** To be Continued **