Monday, January 21, 2013

The meeting

The flight was delayed.. of course it was.He would be getting on a later flight that would arrive at midnight. I wasn't nervous until I got there and then it hit me... I was going to meet him. Now, tonight.. we would spend the next 3 days together and my next thought was ... is this changing my life forever?

I had my jeans on, grey boots, grey top and a grey hoodie. I had been meticulous about my make up but I never wear much anyway; just mascara and some lipstick. I never liked heavy make up and I suppose I  am still young enough to get away with it.

I was waiting in a corner, scared to death. You can still run my brain said several times but my feet stayed rooted to the spot. I looked around at the happy scenes unfolding all aroundme. Airport arrival halls always cheer me up. I myself have many happy memories as I travel quite often and let me tell you, there is nothing like walking out and seeing the faces of your children light up as the recognize you and pick you out from a crowd.

I looked around the young women waiting and I thought to myself, more than once, I wish I looked like her. This is a recent thought as my obesity is a recent occurrence. I was always a slim child, slim teenager and slim young adult. It wasn't until I started the fertility treatments that I started gaining weight. Then the twins were born and they were premature, then they were diagnosed with special needs and my weight just got left on the back burner.
But standing here, waiting for a man other than my husband, for the first time in the 11 years I have been married, I wish I was someone else, someone pretty, someone slim... I so wanted him to like me, the thought I might not like him, never crossed my mind.

He walks out and I immediately know it is him. Of course I do... we have Skyped for months.  I, of course, am always covered up. I eventually got the courage to tell him I am fat, but never sent him a picture of just how fat I am.
He didn't see me... he starts walking with his back to me so I walk behind him and whisper in his ear. He jumps and turns and I hug him, like I promised I would. He is barely taller than me and I am 5' 7". I get nervous and I won't stop talking. I laugh a lot and giggle.
We make it to the car and off we go. I dare not look at him... please don't be disappointed I keep thinking. He is not.. but he is super shy. His hotel room is nice with a nice view so I go out and he comes along. I feel him inching closer to me as I talk about Athens and the view. I still not dare look at him but he is looking at me, apparently fascinated and he is still inching closer until his shoulder is brushing up against mine. I don't know what I am feeling. We have discussed this; no sex while either of us is still married. I will not cheat on Dick and I will not be made the other woman.

What am I feeling? I can now feel he wants to kiss me. I am rusty at this game but it is coming back to me. A part of me cannot believe this man is attracted to me. All these years my self esteem has taken a severe beating from Dick and from society. It is ironic but the bigger I got, the more invisible I got too.
Do I want to kiss him? Why am I so nervous? We stay out for 20 minutes then I ask him to walk me to my car. It is almost 2am and this is not the best area of the city. He is happy to do so and he even puts his arm around my waist as we walk so I do the same. He hugs me when we get to the car and kisses me on the cheek and I just feel he wants a kiss on the lips but it is a public place (even though it is empty) and the walls have eyes when you are doing something naughty so I pretend not to notice. I do let him hug me though. I pull awayand he complains with a smile.

I will pick him up tomorrow morning for breakfast and a walk.
I have no idea what I am doing... the scared part of my brain says I am ok with Dick. Yes, he yells and is mean and says terrible things and calls us names and makes us cry but hey, we deserve it, right? Besides he has his good moments too. Sure he never does anything with us, he is never part of our memories (unless they are about crying or a ruined moment) but why am I complaining? he is probably right, I did do something to cause it.... right/

Then the brave part of my sould chimes in... kick him to the curb it says valliantly, you and boys deserve more... and here I am confused, writing this at 3am.
This is a new day//